I’ve always joked about finding Princess Charming and now I realize that we actually have a Princess Charming.
Now that you’ve got her in the bug, Emma, you are approximately two servings of Lasagna and one drunk dial away from the best sex you’ve ever had in your life. Don’t fuck it up.
i’m really bothered by how some people cheered when they found out she got killed off. Same with Tamara. And the mermaid.
Ditto, but on two different levels. Level 1: the fuck, guys, this is a huge problem. Level 2: the amount of authorial manipulation happening that allows so many people to not think about what they’re seeing on their screens. Because “a beloved character will die” or whatever moronic teaser they leaked and it’s not Mumbles McStubblepants or Captain Rapey so collective sigh of relief?
No. This is fucked up. This is very truly seriously fucked up.
I want a numerical count of how many women have been killed on OUAT versus how many men, and relative power of each of those. So like, Billy the Mouse versus Tamara the Badass. Right? Because I keep seeing women with power dying for the benefit of white male character ‘arcs’ and occasionally ordinary Joe Schmoe dudes biting it, and if that’s not a statement about what these showrunners believe about the world and how it should work, then what is it? Coincidence?
Oh, right, I forgot. This is the fandom where Coincidence is a Real Thing.
Seriously. Dead dudes with power. One? The Dragon, WHO DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A NAME?
- Billy: he was a mouse.
- Archie: LOL NOT REALLY DEAD J/K.
- Person who died for Archie: WHO CARES MAYBE IT WAS A TRANSFIGURED PARROT.
- Peter: human, peasant, dead
- Daniel: human, peasant, dead. zombie, peasant, dead.
- Lancelot: human, kind of a leader? dead. twice?
- Leopold: DEAD AND WE DIDN’T EVEN SEE IT HAPPEN LIKE GODDAMN CAN I GET A FROTHING AT THE MOUTH FROM THE POISON AT LEAST?
- Graham: okay but why was he even there in the first place. human, fucking useless, dead.
As for other characters who have ‘been written off’:
- George/Spencer: HELLA FUCKING POWERFUL, given a pass into “disappeared” land.
- August: KIND OF MAJORLY CULPABLE IN THE WHOLE ‘EMMA GOES TO JAIL’ THING, GIVEN A WHOLE NEW LEASE ON LIFE
NEVER MIND THE PART ABOUT THE SEX TRADE IN SOUTHEAST ASIA.
- Jefferson: HAPPILY EVER AFTER OFF WITH HIS DAUGHTER IN HIS CREEPY MANSION.
- Whale: GETS HIS WHOLE FUCKING ARM RIPPED OFF, DOESN’T SUFFER ANY NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES FROM BLOOD LOSS AND ALSO CONTINUES TO OPERATE AS A FULLY-FUNCTIONING SURGEON WITH THE OCCASIONAL DRUNKEN SURGERY.
- Sydney: ????? in the psych ward at the hospital??
(Also of note: the three most powerful men on that second list are probably Jefferson, Whale and Sydney. Jefferson’s a hatter, Whale’s got the mad science, and Sydney’s a fucking genie. Guess which one is the only one who gets actively screwed by the storyline.
Oh, hey, you guessed it: the black guy.)
Meanwhile, our dead chicks list:
- Cora: HELLA POWERFUL, DEAD
- Milah: SO MUCH POTENTIAL, DEAD
- Tamara: BADASS, DEAD IN A REALLY DISGUSTINGLY MISOGYNISTIC VIOLENT FIT
- Eva: idk, whatever, but sad times for not getting more of Rena Sofer’s face, DEAD
- Ruth: more idk, but she could’ve been nice. maybe she would’ve been that mother-in-law who very sweetly tells her son’s wife to stop being such a cunt. DEAD
- Marian: DEAD. (i know no details, but I’m 200% sure it was senseless and rude.)
- Johanna: DEAD.
- Maleficent: POWERFUL, DIED TWICE
- Blind Witch: POWERFUL, BAKED, POSSIBLY WITH GRAVY. THE POINT IS DEAD.
- Mermaid: NOT EVEN SURE HOW POWERFUL BUT HELLA FUCKING SCARY, NAMELESS AND DEAD
- Blue Fairy: I don’t even know how she died, I don’t want to know, point is, SHE DEAD.
And the disappeared:
- Ruby: IF YOU ARE NOT HOWLING WITH RAGE EVERY DAY ABOUT THIS WHAT ARE YOU DOING. APPARENTLY HER BESTIE GIVES NO FUCKS ABOUT WHERE SHE IS SO IT’S UP TO YOU.
- Nova: SO THE CURSE BREAKS AND SHE’S ALL HUMAN AND HER MAN’S ALL HUMAN AND… OH WE’RE JUST NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT WHETHER THE GIRL IN THE RIDICULOUS FROOFY CLOTHES GETS HER HAPPY ENDING? BUT THE HATTER GETS HIS? OKAY.
- Ashley/Ella: hadababyit’sagirlgottagoifshestayspastepisode4sheturnsintoapumpkin?????
- Kathryn: DEAD/NOT DEAD/DISAPPEARED/?????
- Actual Ursula: DUDE WE DON’T EVEN FUCKING KNOW WHERE SHE WAS TO START WITH
- Mulan: maybe she’s queer maybe she isn’t if no one hears her say the word is she actually queer? whatever she’s OFF TO MILITANT EXILE after half a season in limbo.
- Aurora: knocked up in an abandoned palace with her ghost/not ghost boyfriend after half a season in limbo?
oh my god, she’s actually barefoot and pregnant.
I actually can’t keep going, I’m getting seriously nauseous.
You know a show is circling the drain when the recaps shitting on it are waaaay more enjoyable and well-written than the show itself.
Autostraddle’s Kate and TV.com’s Lily Sparks do God’s work. We might get a shovel full of shit on Sunday night (like we did last week), but we can look forward to the insanely accurate, hysterical recaps Mondays and Wednesdays.
I want to go to the OUAT writers room (or, most likely, opium den) and force them to listen to me read these brilliant eviscerations out loud.
Here’s just a part of Kate’s accurate analysis:
"Is this floozy for real? We owe mother-fucking ALL OF IT to Regina. Let me recap for you dumb bitches. Y’all head to Neverland minus a plan. Who comes up with the plan? Regina. Y’all get caught up in your love triangle and conception needs. Who leaves your dead weight and finds the only other effective person on the island? Regina. Y’all need to get into the enemy camp. Who magics the Lost Boys into submission? Regina. Y’all need to do dirty work to get the end results. Who is the only one willing to do said dirty work? Regina. Y’all need to move the moon. Who has been training Emma all this time so the two of them can move the moon? Goddamned Regina. Y’all need to get out of a trap held tight by your regrets. Who regrets 100% nothing? REGINA MOTHER-FUCKERS. Y’all need to do every single one of these things and do it fast if you’re gonna save Henry, and who made those things happen? R-E-G-I-N-A.”
The couple have a four-year-old son, Walter
This makes me sad.
OMG SHUT UP. NO. WHAT? NO.